Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
