Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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