Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
