Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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