i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
