well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
