You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
