If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
