My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
