sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize