I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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