She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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