Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
