I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
