Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
