Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
