Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
