I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i wish my penis had a tongue
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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