dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize