When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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