Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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