i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
