My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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