They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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