How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
pray to the hookup gods
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
