I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
