Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
