i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
