and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
