So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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