i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
