then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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