I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
