I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
