i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
