Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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