there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Randomize
