I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
