So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
