I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
