This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize