textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
