I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
