Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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