we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
