I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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