I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Randomize
