i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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