Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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