My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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