at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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