I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
