Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
