I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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