im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
