My first STD was from a foam party
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I think your dad took our porno
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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