dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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