I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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