I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize