you guys were way drunker than both of me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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