I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
