I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
