just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
