just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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