xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
