would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize