I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
