____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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