I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Randomize
