a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My ass is underappreciated
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
