I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
