I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize